Vintage Humor


> >   An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
> >years.
> >
> >       He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for
> >a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
> >
> >       The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the
> >doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
> >that you can hear again.”
> >
> >       The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just
sit
> >around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three
times!”
> >
> >        <><><><><><><>
> >
> >       Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
> >bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
> >
> >
> >”Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know
> >you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
> >
> >Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
> >”Really !? Like a newborn baby !?”
> >”Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
> >
> > > >> <><><><><><><>
> >
> >An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating,
> >the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
> >
> >The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to
a
> >new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
> >The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
> >
> >The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of
> >that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red
> >and
> >has thorns.”
> >
> >Do you mean a rose?”
> >
> >”Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen
> >and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last
> >night?
> >
> ><><><><><><><>
> >
> >Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
> >
> >However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly
> >gentleman–already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his
> >feet–who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
> >
> >After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
> >the
> >elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
> >
> >”I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out
> >of her hospital gown.”
> >
> >***************
> >
> >Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
> >
> >During a checkups, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay,
but
> >they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
> >Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
> >
> >”Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
> >
> >”Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?”
> >
> >”Sure.”
> >
> >”Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?” she
> >asks.
> >
> >”No, I can remember it.”
> >
> >”Well, I’d like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it
> >down, so’s not to forget it ?”
> >
> >He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
> >strawberries.”
> >
> >”I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it
down
> >?” she asks.
> >
> >Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice
> >cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
> >
> >Then he toddles to the kitchen.
> >
> >After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his
> >wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
> >She stares at the plate for a moment.
> >
> >”Where’s my toast?”
> >
> >*************
> >
> >A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re
> >getting married ?”
> >
> >”Yep!”
> >
> >”Do I know her ?”
> >
> >”Nope!”
> >
> >”This woman, is she good looking ?”
> >
> >”Not really.”
> >
> >”Is she a good cook ?”
> >
> >”Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
> >
> >”Does she have lots of money ?”
> >
> >”Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
> >
> >”Well, then, is she good in bed ?”
> >
> >”I don’t know.”
> >
> >”Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
> >
> >”Because she can still drive!”
> >
> >
> >************
> >
> >
> >Three old guys are out walking.
> >
> >First one says, “Windy, isn’t it ?”
> >
> >Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday !”
> >
> >Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
> >
> >
> >
> >************
> >
> >
> >A man was telling his neighbour,
> >
> >”I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
> >it’s
> >state of the art. It’s perfect.”
> >
> >”Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it ?”
> >
> >”Twelve thirty.”
> >
> >
> >************
> >
> >
> >Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
> >
> >A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
> >gorgeous young woman on his arm.
> >
> >A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re
really
> >doing great, aren’t you?”
> >
> >Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be
> >cheerful.'”
> >The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur;
be
> >careful.'”

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